Leaving a Job Early

Keeping my commitments is a pretty big deal to me, especially after everything that I’ve been through.

I feel like I need to prove that I can keep commitments.

That all of the running away isn’t me. It’s the trauma.

But I’m not sure if I can keep this commitment. I’ve officially started applying for jobs that start immediately, as well as jobs that start in the fall.

I’m alone here all the time. I’ve made an effort to communicate my needs, and my boss has made an effort to fulfill my requests.

But we just aren’t on the same page. I tell him about how in Yosemite, there were books for volunteers in all the kiosks and ranger stations, and how we were encouraged to stop by and hang out on our time off if we wanted to.

So he brought me some books, and I got upset.

I told him I wanted to come to the office. He said there’s not much to see.

Every time I text him about being lonely or not interacting with enough rangers, he sends one out to see me.

It’s really obvious because it’s always like one hour after I text him.

I feel like I’m asking him for an opportunity to be in an environment where I can make friends naturally, and he’s trying to assign me some friends.

Like he thinks he can just pick my friends for me. I’m sure his intention is that he thinks I’ll hit it off with this person or that person.

But the reality is that he doesn’t know me well enough to know, and he’s sent me a bunch of goodie two shoes.

I can’t directly request stoned bi big boobied baddies with dark hair, tattoos, and piercings.

All of our efforts to make this work have just been so misaligned. I’m alone here all the time.

The isolation has had such a terrible effect on my PTSD that I’ve been having a lot of really intense suicidal thoughts and compulsions.

This isn’t anything new for me, but it hurts really bad to be relapsing on these thoughts when I felt like I had them under control for so long.

Last night, I went for a sunset hike with a hiking group I found on the internet.

The hike to the summit was challenging, and the run down alone was even harder.

But you know how running clears your mind.

I want to keep this commitment so badly. I wanted to stay in one place for two seasons.

But being here is hurting me. My boss just can’t give me what I need. And he almost definitely knows someone who is eager to replace me.

If NPS would have me back, I’d run back in a heartbeat.

The Forest Service has kind of broken my heart.