Lonely As Me

He watched me brush my teeth like it was a TV show.

He said, “I might come talk to you later if that’s okay. It gets lonely out there on the road.”

But that was before he watched me brush my teeth. Sitting in his van in the driveway of his campsite.

I couldn’t see below the dash, but I couldn’t shake my suspicion of what was going on down there.

I try to make sure everyone has access to me at least twice a day. I put on my uniform, and walk around the whole campground doing things that take a long time.

I say hi to anyone who looks my way. I try to be very approachable.

As the season goes on, I become less amenable to being approached at my campsite.

This is my only private space.

He came back this evening, and looked for me way too aggressively. He must have called out “Hello?” 30 times.

I was super still. He walked around my tent several times, then walked away and started a car.

Whew.

I took out my phone, started playing a game, and leaned back in my chair.

“Hello?” Right behind me.

He re-parked his car and snuck up on me from a private path that cuts directly from my campsite to the restroom.

At this point, he must have had some sense of the fact that I was avoiding him on purpose.

He walked the perimeter of my tent so closely that he had to walk around each individual guy line.

He stopped in front of the obstacle course to my door and let out a frustrated sigh.

I was so scared he was going to unzip my tent. But I reminded myself, I have cameras in here, and there are lots of people around.

I stayed still. He stood at one end of my tent and looked deeply inside, trying to see a shadow move.

I’m sure he can’t see me in the center of the tent. I’ve checked. I’ve run experiments.

If he stood outside my tent much longer, maybe another camper would call the cops to report suspicious activity.

Am I being a terrible volunteer for thinking that the (extremely modest) campground fee does not include a date with me?

I try to be good at my job. I try to keep the bathrooms clean, I do my best at the lawn maintenance, I always try to use my customer service voice, I’m always on top of the reservations…

I understand what it’s like to be lonely. I’m so lonely it physically hurts. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.

Of course I feel bad for old people. Of course I think that everyone should do their best to try to help other people.

But I’ve also had so many people choose not to help me or to walk away from my case or whatever. I honestly feel a little entitled to do the same sometimes.

I don’t love hanging out with single old men. I know a lot of women my age do. A lot of women my age think that old men are harmless and adorable.

I’ve just had too many bad experiences.

I’m not trying to be a bad ranger. But this man getting so close to my tent feels like a big red flag to me.

I feel like he’s showing me how entitled he feels to come into my private space and walk directly over my clearly laid out boundaries.

It’s not all men. There’s another single man the same age camping here who I’m getting along with. He left me a note this morning, and it made me smile.

He’s a windsurfer. He seems innocent to me. Maybe because he’s always on the go. Maybe because he’s never come within ten feet of my tent.

It’s the loneliness and air of desperation that really scare me.

Just because I also feel loneliness shouldn’t obligate me to console this lonely man.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

(Right?)

There was this night in Yosemite, maybe about a year ago.

I was sitting in the kiosk in the dark at midnight with my head on the journal when M came in.

She was the midnight bear ranger. She came to my kiosk looking for a private space.

“I have to tell you something,” she said.

A tourist started knocking on the window.

We ignored them, but they wouldn’t let up.

M rolled up the window fast, slamming it open.

“Is this an emergency?”

“No, we just want to check in.”

“Do you see how the blinds are all closed and the lights are all off? That means no one is home.”

She slammed the window shut and said, “Sorry.”

So, I shouldn’t feel bad about just ignoring someone every once in a while, right?